14 Reasons You’d Hate to Vacation in Costa Rica

Planning a vacation in Costa Rica? We are so sorry. Pura vida, schmura vida. We’ve been in “paradise” long enough to know, Costa Rica’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Want some proof? We have it. Fourteen proofs, to be exact. That’s right – 14 reasons you’d hate to vacation in Costa Rica:

1. There’s no way you could relax here. 

I mean, it’s not like you could rent a private, oceanview villa. And spend your days by the pool. And book a few relaxing massages in your villa.

2. There’s nothing to see in Costa Rica.

Who cares that Costa Rica has the longest humpback whale-watching season in the world? Or a spectacular 6% of the planet’s total biodiversity (in just 0.3% of the Earth’s surface)? There’s nothing to see when you vacation in Costa Rica. Nothing.

3. Or do, while we’re on the subject.

Get ready to sit around all day, because there’s nothing to do. Especially not in Tamarindo, one of the world’s 50 best surfing spots.

4. The scenery’s not even that special.

Those greens… those blues… they could never take your breath away, could they?

5. And the wildlife? Please.

It’s not like Costa Rica protects more than 25% of its land in national parks, private reserves, and wildlife refuges. It’s not like we’re working toward the protection, conservation, and repopulation of 100+ endangered species.

… Including the adorable Central American squirrel monkey (pictured) and its subspecies, the grey-crowned Central American squirrel monkey, which were each upgraded in status – the first, from endangered to vulnerable and the second, from critically endangered to endangered – due in large part to Costa Rica’s conservation efforts. (Central American squirrel monkeys live only in Costa Rica and the northwestern tip of Panama; grey-crowned Central American squirrel monkey live only in Costa Rica. It’s us, or nothing!)

6. The animals aren’t even cute.

This does nothing for you, does it? Yeah, it doesn’t for us, either.

7. The food is terrible, too.

Fresh fish? Tropical fruits? Just-picked vegetables? Someone, save us.

8.  And did we mention the coffee? Terrible.

I mean, it’s not like Costa Rica’s actually famous for its Arabica coffee. Which we grow in rich volcanic soil. And win awards for, every year.

9. The views in general? Totally uninspiring.

No one should be subjected to this. No one.

10. And don’t get us started on the woeful day trip possibilities.

We know the rule: Don’t go chasing waterfalls! Especially not in Costa Rica, where they’re basically everywhere.

11. Everything is so mundane.

No one wants to tick “hike an active volcano” or “swim in volcanic hot springs” off their travel bucket list, amiright?

10. The beaches are super crowded.

You cannot seriously be expected to fight through with crowds like these.

11. And totally unattractive.

We’re out. We just can’t. There’s not even a spot to lay out a towel.

12. You want unattractive? Don’t get us started on the sunsets.

We are so sorry you have to see this.

13.How will you ever fill your days (and evenings)?

You’re going to be so bored.

14. Really, we don’t know how you’ll put up with this.

Is there anything worse than sun, sand, spectacular views, and all the adventure you can pack into one vacation? We think not.

So, don’t say we didn’t warn you: You’re going to HATE your vacation to Costa Rica.